My life or Yours?(What a Pair)

One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine, and you will walk away, not knowing that you are my life.

 

Khalil Gibran

Is there anybody out there who truly lives that quote? Honestly, I Confess, my love life is far from this. 

I do not know what true love is, and I have not experienced it. Growing up in a culturally strict family, I never did have that opportunity to explore love. Instead, I married my high school boyfriend ( and no, he was not my high school sweetheart either!). He was just the only guy I was ever allowed to date during High School. Dating him was better than not going out or missing the prom. Oddly, we did not marry until 14 years after high school graduation.

 Reflecting, I try to remember what was the bond that kept us together. Indeed, by then, I was free to choose who I wanted to date.  

That was not an easy process, however. First, there was still the dilemma of family respect “thou shall honor your parents and the traditions,” even if it makes no sense at all!

 This was not “forced marriage,” yet I did not have much choice in the matter, either. Considering the culturally accepted gender roles and restrictions, even while I was no more a child, I agreed to marry this man. 

My parent’s believed that “Love” was an overrated phenomenon. I think that my current state of mind will also agree with that statement. Perhaps that is because I never did have an opportunity to fall in love.  

I will not put all the blame on my parents nor traditions. Indeed, I had the independence, means, and the opportunity to walk away. But it is not easy to walk away from a co-dependent partner and relationship.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2020/01/why-its-so-hard-to-end-a-codependent-relationship/ 

 I realized that our relationship was very dysfunctional, and there were always his needs, and pathetic cry’s to think about it. He made me feel guilty, and I hated him for not letting me go. During our pre-marriage years, we grew farther apart, before even tying the knot.  

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.” Khalil Gibran

 

Ultimately, I think I married him because I realized It was the most natural way out. It did not matter anymore, As Pink Floyd sang: “I was comfortably numb.” I no more cared to have a lover.

 I was just comfortable with him.  

But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” Khalil Gibran

It is our third week of COVID-19 Quarantine with him and our two children. Almost 18 years after our marriage, I find him more tolerable. He is an excellent addition to the family. My conversations with him as no depth at all. We finally have agreed that there is not much we will ever agree upon

I am grateful that I have had this life=time opportunity to grow and become my independent self; I do not regret the bond that we forged 18 years ago. I call it my “beautiful mistake.” I have a fulfilling career, many friends, but more importantly, I enjoy my solitude. From traveling Solo to spending time to discover me truly, this empty marriage has been nothing but a blessing in disguise

 

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